People are like cars?

Last Saturday, as I was driving to my weekly Dungeons and Dragons game, I saw a car which had the driver’s side almost completely dented inwards. For a second, I though “who would let their car look like that?”

Which then proceeded to include a long range of related thoughts that basically boil down to a few key points:

We are like cars

We choose how to wear our scars

Some wounds can only be healed by particular people

Taken by ercwttmn on Flickr

Cars don’t heal themselves. Right after we get in a car accident, we usually take our car into a mechanic so that it will work properly.

However, not everyone takes their damaged car into the mechanic after an accident. Sometimes the person doesn’t have the money to fix the car. Perhaps she doesn’t think the damage is bad enough to warrant a trip to the mechanic. Maybe he thinks he can fix it on his own and doesn’t need to ask for help. I have even heard of some owners leaving superficial damage to remind them to drive more carefully.

Even still, the owner may not even know their car has been damaged. When a car has body damage, anyone can see that the car needs work in order to be restored to its original form. If the car has sustained engine damage and the owner knows nothing about cars, he or she may think the car doesn’t need help and drive until the car breaks down.

Compare this to people: we all breakdown. Sometimes due to accidents and sometimes simply due to wear and tear.

A car may have superficial damage, but otherwise be perfectly functioning. Likewise, a sports car may look beautiful on the outside, yet have functional engine problems. Another car may be damaged both internally and externally. Another still may have no problems whatsoever.

This diversity in amount of damage holds true for people, too. The fundamental difference lies in what the car or the person has gone through.

No other person can tell, just by looking at a car or person, what the problem is. If you were not a mechanic, could you identify a fundamental transmission flaw just by taking a peek under the hood? I know I couldn’t. Most mechanics ask the owner for an explanation of what the car has been through.

Even still each mechanic is different. Some specialize in brake repair while others fine tune engines. Each has his or her own skills in fixing a broken car.

With people, we can’t know everything we’ve been through. But when we know just enough, equipped with the right knowledge and tools, perhaps we too can be the mechanic to fix that wreck.

There is one other way in which people compare to cars. When a car is totaled, most people will leave it for lost. In this instance, ‘totaled’ means that the car requires more money to fix than the owner paid to buy it.

However, not all worth comes in monetary increments. Perhaps the car is vintage, one of a kind. Given the right circumstances, a once totaled car can become more beautiful than it’s original model.

This also holds with people. When someone has gone through hell and back, perhaps some scarring trauma that leaves them almost incapable of dealing with life, many may deem that person ‘totaled’ or not worth fixing.

I disagree. Each person is worth fixing. Each life valuable. Each person is worth more than the cost of a totaled car. The fixing lies in finding the right mechanic.

[Un]Warranted Fears

Lately, I can’t help but notice the horrible things happening in this world. Yesterday I read an article about the Colorado River drying up causing seven western states to go into a severe drought within the next 50 years. I live in one of those states.

I am a sensitive soul, an empath of sorts. For those of you who may not know, an empath picks up on the emotions and feelings of others, sometimes to a dangerous extent.

An empath can feel what someone else is feeling; physically, emotionally, mentally. Even sometimes when they don’t want to. Usually, I can tell how someone is really feeling: I’m incredibly observant and understand body language quite well.

Because of this ability, I tend to try and stay out of the news. When I hear about natural disasters, murders, or a political plan gone wrong, I tend to internalize those feelings. I feel that somehow what has happened is my fault, that I’m personally responsible to fix the problem. I don’t do well in crowds on some days, as I can pick up the emotions of everyone involved.

There’s a really good explanation of what empaths do here .

Now, I know this sounds ridiculous, but I am not making this up. Others have experienced my ability to do empathize to extreme levels. If there are too many people around, I have to leave to quell overwhelming feelings.

Often times, those feelings become so strong that they turn into fears, leaving me unable to deal with life at times. Last night, I couldn’t sleep because of how upset I was.

The reason? I could list a few, but mainly I’ve been afraid of all of the horrible things humanity is doing to itself.
We have a mismanagement of resources, leaving many people staring and thirsting while others simply toss out what they don’t want. People hate each other for out of control reasons and sometimes kill just to be right.

And I am powerless to do anything about it. I don’t have money to fund a humanitarian project for those who need it most. I can’t make water fall from the sky and prevent a drought affecting millions of people. Sometimes, I can’t even write in a way that people will listen to the urgency of my message.

That feeling of powerlessness terrifies me. I refuse to sit here and watch the human race tear itself apart, yet what can I do? Really, what power do I have to help people see what needs to be done?

That fear will stick with me for a long time. My empathy accentuates that fear and I don’t know how to make it stop.

What can we as individuals do to help save us as a society? What power do I have to help those who can’t help themselves?

Please pass this on. I feel that we all need to seriously consider these questions and maybe, if we come together, we can all find an answer.

Living and Dying For

What do you want to accomplish before you die?

My answer should surprise no one.

I want to share Aberon’s story with this world.
For those of you who aren’t aware, Aberon is the name of the world that my first book takes place on. Aberon is a fictional world scientifically, but in my heart it is just as real as the earth we live on.

Doing so will probably take my entire life. Writing a book is tough, but Aberon is more than just a book to me.

Aberon is my first world. It is my charge and my duty to make sure it’s events be scribed and noted. I don’t plan to stop after Eli’s trilogy. I don’t know where I will go after his story is finished, but I know that I won’t stop there.

With my writing and through other perspectives, I want to help others experience emotion. My writing will capture the scale of human experience, highs and lows.

This is my life. And everything in my life sort of revolves around this. I’m going to school to perfect my craft, I live with my friends to experience the heights and chasms of emotion, both painful and joyous. Life is research and Aberon will add layers for others in their life.

I want the world to understand Eli’s struggles, his pain in watching his brother lose everything. I want them to know that life holds so many feelings and we all experience only a few.

When I was younger, I read to experience those things that would never be possible for me. I loved fantasy and science fiction because the details in those books talked about things I couldn’t know any other way. Maybe that’s just me, but I want to share that experience, that love with anyone who will share it with me.

Through my writing, I want to

Emotion Junkie, take 2

This past semester deserves a review. Me at the beginning of the semester and me now are two different people.

Each class changed me in fundamental ways. I will start with the smallest change first.

Principles of Layout and Design: I discovered that being a graphic designer and being an artist were not the same. In fact, I actually enjoyed facets of graphic design that I never thought I would like. I probably won’t go into graphic design for a career, but there are ways to use graphic design in the field I am pursuing. Mostly in this class, I learned information design, which is a crucial skill in my field. This ties nicely into my next class.

Professional Writing: My writing skills improved drastically in this class. Mostly, I learned tips that help me improve my craft. When writing for an audience, write for lower literacy users. Oddly enough, this brings in more higher literacy users as well. Most of what I learned at my few English classes at Westminster proved (with real facts) inaccurate. I know better how to get attention with my writing and that I actually write well.

This may surprise you, but I have a hard time seeing the worth of my talents. I question my ability or if anyone will even want to read what I have written. Updating this blog and seeing the quality of writing produced by others has taught me that I can write well.

On to the less academic lessons. My two Honors classes helped me change my world view, if only a little. Human Culture and Behavior showed me that we are all human with very different viewpoints on life. (The class never actually covered material on this topic, but rather helped me come to my own conclusions.)

And finally, my Arts in Performance class. This class was hard. In the Honors Program, Arts in Performance is considered one of the easiest of the core classes. My experience felt nothing like what I had been told.

However, I came out of that class with a new passion: modern dance. Dancing holds so many benefits for me, how can I keep away? First, dancing is a form of exercise and second a form of emotional expression. These two things rest as very important pursuits in my life. Killing two birds with one stone in my busy schedule then becomes an amazing way to reduce stress.

I also learned something that no class could teach me.
My actions cannot please everyone.

People are so vastly different that there is absolutely no way to please every type of person.

Now, this may seem obvious. Who would try to please everyone?
Many people do. Cliques in high school revolve around this idea, popularity. Pleasing everyone will make everyone like you, giving you a greater chance at doing well in life.

This semester I realized that I needed to find out what was important to me and stick with it. No matter what action I did, no matter what “group” I belonged to, someone else would think me an idiot, a slob, not good enough.

Do their opinions really matter? Only if I let them.

I have decided what remains important to my life: the pursuit of emotion. I pursue emotional expression through my writing, and now I begin to pursue it through dancing.

And if you find a problem with me, fine. Someone’s got to, and it’s not going to be me.

A Perfected Dominion; Something to look for in a later life

Alright, back to confession Wednesdays. The question for today?

What do you respect most in others?

Two things immediately stick out to me: respect for all walks of life and love for those who are difficult to love.

The person who first comes to mind possessing both of those qualities is Rose Ostler. I officially met Rose in my Youth Sunday School class. I had known her as a friend of the family for some time before.

Now, if you’ve ever had experience with a for youth Sunday School class, you’ll know that many of the participants are rowdy and tend to detract from the class. Right before I joined this particular class, one of the boys had climbed on the roof when Rose was supposed to be teaching a lesson. The only thing she regrets is not having a camera.

Having Rose as my Sunday School Teacher has helped me see something I consider a Universal Truth: we are all people.

Each of us experiences pain, joy, sorrow, excitement. We all have needs, we all have problems and strengths. Some are worse or better than others. Honestly, I think most of the comparison lies in the fact that we are all different. One person’s trial isn’t necessarily easier or harder than another’s. The trial remains so different that I do not see how we can compare the two. They are simply different. But all are people.

I am a person. You are a person. Dictators are people (though sometimes very unforgiving people). Heterosexuals are people. Homosexuals are people. President Barack Obama is a person. Those of different class, race and culture are also people. Those suffering below the poverty line barely able to eat and take care of their children are people in unfortunate circumstances. Those in the 1% are people who are much more fortunate than the rest of us. That’s it.

We do not know a person’s path. We do not know what they have gone through to get to where they are now. Those in the 1% may have worked hard to earn their money, they may not have. Those below the poverty line may have gotten laid off of their job, or they may have made a decision not entirely wise.

Who am I to judge what someone else has put in their life? Have I walked near their side the entire time, watching as they agonized over the loss of a loved one, watching as they put all of their effort into pursuing a degree only to be held back by monetary restraints or family obligations?

No. I do not know the paths you have tread, the steps you have taken. Therefore, I cannot judge you based on your place in life or your current situation. The only ones justified in doing so is the person who has been with themselves the entire way, or if you so believe, God. I cannot confess that I know God’s judgement concerning all things, especially when it comes to other people.

Our dominion lies only over ourselves. I will work to perfect my dominion. Once I have reached that perfection, then maybe I will be ready to move onto the dominion of others. I don’t expect to reach perfection in this life; I doubt it is even possible. Yet I will strive for it and strive also to love all that come my way.

Potential Spoilers

Now that the semester is over, I can get back to regular blogging.

Honestly, I miss writing for an audience. Even though I only have a few regular readers, they still interact with and care about what I am doing.

Eventually, I want to do this on a larger scale with my world Aberon. Over the summer, I plan on working on the first of the Aberon chronicles. I hope that I can get it to agent quality by the end of the summer. I’m only working a few very part time jobs and starting up some dance classes.

I will also provide a semester in review entry later this week. But for now, I need to share with you one of the greatest books I have ever read.

Now, if you want to read the following, that’s fine. Except, if you haven’t read The Fault in Our Stars, stop everything. Go to your library or the bookstore and find a copy. Proceed to read the book and learn of life lessons John Green has shared with the world. Unless you don’t mind spoilers. Then you can go on reading what I have written below, and then proceed to get to the nearest copy of The Fault in Our Stars. Seriously, READ IT!

The review: I cannot do a short review. This may turn out to be an essay, so be warned.

Hazel Lancaster isn’t aware that her life should have a purpose until Augustus Waters comes along. Unlike most protagonists, she doesn’t possess any heroic qualities and is set up as flawed from the beginning. She is a very realistic character and you can relate to her as a flawed human being. Because Hazel has a dormant cancer, she’s detached from all of the worries a “normal” person is tied down by. She doesn’t really have reservations, but she doesn’t go out much either.

She falls in love with what seems to be a more protagonist like character. He’s missing a leg, but he believes in Something greater. He believes in living and dying for something greater. Yet Hazel finds this offensive; not everyone can live a life in search of Something Greater.

“Saved the kids,” he said.

“Temporarily,” I pointed out.

“All salvation is temporary,” Augustus shot back. “I bought them a minute. Maybe that’s the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one’s gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute.”

There is so much truth in this book. And I apologize, my words are going all over the place. This book will show you the parts of life that many authors are afraid of pointing out. John Green has no such reservations and I admire him for that.

I’m off to go do some research, or some editing for Aberon.

DFTBA

For Lack of a Better Word

Busy-ness creates my life. I apologize.

Exactly a week ago, Easter Sunday, I came down with influenza AND the stomach flu.

Spent the whole week trying to catch up to homework and final projects while trying to stay alive. And then, everything turned into a bacterial infection which made it almost impossible for me to breathe.

Unfortunately the two medicines that help me stay functional create a nasty reaction in my head that is almost as bad as what they save me from.

Almost.

This week I’ve learned a number of important things I need to share with the world.

Nothing stands as a reason good enough to forget love.

NOTHING!

Being sick is so selfish. And yet there is no way to avoid it. When it happens, it happens and you just have to suffer through the consequences.

This weekend brought me some important realizations. If you work to share your love with others, whatever that love may be, people will support you. And sometimes, they will do everything in your power to make things a little better for you.

I’m speaking in generalities. Yesterday, Jacob and I went to a local writing conference that opened my eyes. One of the speakers (Owen Ashton) asked us what we were passionate about, what we wanted to write about to share with the world.

I have struggled with this question for the past year. Ever since I became so invested in writing, I felt that I needed a passion, some sort of driving force to keep me going. No matter how I tried, I could not answer that question and it really bothered me. Yet when Owen asked it, the answer came within a few seconds:

Human Behavior.

Now before you get excited, I’m not going to change my area of study. I’m not interested in becoming a psychologist or probing your mind.

No. My interest comes in how we interact with each other, how we perceive emotion and why. I’m interested in the behavior from a bystander’s point of view.

And that’s what Aberon is about, really. Eli observes his world as he comes out of the shell of childhood, unaware of the aspects of human behavior surrounding him. Suddenly, he’s thrust into this world where he’s expected to know what everyone is doing and how to respond properly and he’s completely lost. Even though it takes place on a completely different world, it’s one of the best coming of age stories. Eli has to learn all of this, give up all the comforts of his world to save his brother from the illness, to save his mother from a lifetime of suffering.

It’s my story. It’s your story. We all have that moment of loss, and yet we’ve all responded to it so differently.

I think Amy Wadsworth put it well at the conference. I, too, am an emotion junky. I like seeing what makes people tick, experiencing how we express our deepest emotions to those we love, and even those we don’t really know.

I don’t have as concrete of an experience with Paul Genesse, but I think meeting him was one of my favorite things that happened over the weekend. He reminded me of that passion for life that I had let slip out of my hands this past month. Talking with him reminded me that I still have something important to share with the world, and it’s my job to find the people that will help me deliver it right.

And to wrap up the beautiful, astounding weekend, I remembered love. Jacob and I are capable of carrying out a conversation with just our eyes. Tonight, we finally took the time to just look at each other and we both cried.

I want to say that I will not forget this love, but I know that there will come a time just as busy and horrible as the one I’ve just gone through that will choke out that beautiful, warm feeling of love that only exists in a few places. And when that time comes, I will go through a similar period of weeping and loneliness before I remember how sacred, how gentle and safe that conversation of love is.

That’s one of the main things that draws me to human behavior. We can experience the same emotions, the same lessons and set of events over and over, and yet learn something new from them each time. Discovering that feeling of remembrance will never get old.

Not for me.

“I don’t care what you believe. Just believe it!”

For those of you who have not seen Firefly or Serenity, the quote this post is named for comes from it. I have learned more from watching that show about morality and human error than almost anywhere else.

And it deserves at least one post from me.

Just a warning, this post contains spoilers. But those spoilers are included for the sake of getting a point across. So if you don’t like spoilers, go watch Serenity right now. Then come back and read my post.

The basic premise of the show concerns space cowboys. Captain Malcolm Reynolds pilots a small crew of five who occasionally cart passengers. They take on a doctor, another man and a Shepard (that era’s equivalent of a Father).

If you want a further explanation of the plot, rent (or buy!) the season and the movie. My post addresses one of the sermons Book gives Mal.

Firefly crew.

In the movie Serenity Mal and his crew come to rest on a planet called Haven. They seek refuge to hide River, one of their “passengers” from the ever powerful Alliance, who up until recently had her in their possession. Book’s message for Mal is a message I am trying to take to heart, and feel that we all need to adopt.

Mal: I could’ve left her there. I had an out. Hell I had every reason in the verse to leave her lay and haul anchor.
Book: It’s not your way, Mal.
Mal:I have a way? that better than a plan?
Book:Only one thing is gonna walk you through this, Mal. Belief.
Mal: You know I always look to you for counsel, but sermons make me sleepy, Shepard. I ain’t looking for help from on high. That’s a long wait for a train don’t come.
Book: When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I’m talking about God?
They’ll come at you sideways. It’s how they think. It’s how they move. Sidle up and smile. Hit you where you’re weak. Sort of man they’re like to send believes hard. Kills and never asks why.
Mal:It’s of interest to me how much you seem to know about that world.
Book: I wasn’t born a Shepard, Mal.
Mal:Have to tell me about that sometime.
Book sighs.
Book: No, I don’t.

Much later in the movie, then return to Haven for shelter, only to find that the Alliance has pillaged the planet. Mal finds Book, bleeding out of his stomach, about to die. Mal takes Book in his arms, tells him the doctor’s going to fix him up. Right before he dies, Book grabs onto Mal and says “I don’t care what you believe. Just believe it!”

I wish I had a clip to offer. This scene means so much more after watching it than just hearing the words.

Belief is a strong power. Here, Book tells Mal of the Operative. The Operative is an evil man who knows that what he is doing is evil, but he does it because he believes there is a greater cause. He does unspeakable things because of the strength of this believe.

Honestly, I think this message is the whole point of Serenity. Without it, Mal and his crew stand no chance. But with it, with the pure strength of belief that your purpose means something worth fighting for, well…they loosen the harsh control of the Alliance. People end up knowing where their monsters come from.

I believe that the world needs faith. They need a cause to believe in, or all is lost. I believe in giving my fellow friends a light, a shining beacon to guide them through the filth and sorrow sunk into every corner of this world.

I believe in a better tomorrow through education and action. I believe that everyone with a body is entitled to the same basic human rights as any privileged, white man ever had.

And I pledge to use that belief to touch the world.

“I don’t care what you believe. Just believe it!”

Bill Clinton’s Face is not Politics and Chocolate

I felt this question merited quite the response today:

What topics keep you up at night, or help you fall asleep?

Last night in particular answers this question very well.
Gender, sexuality, how the two relate, religion vs. church vs. churchgoers, abortion, politics and chocolate all happened last night.

Photo taken by Joost J. Bakker IJmuiden of Flickr

I don’t feel too pooped, but Jacob had a hard time waking up. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind as of late. Last night, Jacob tried to help me sort out these issues.

In short, a lot of what keeps me up are the contradictions in the world. Female and woman are not the same in my mind, yet many who are female are expected to act like a woman. Each society has a preconceived notion of what a “woman” or a “man” is, and often tries to superimpose that on any female or male. I do not like this.

I could spend an entire post concerning why I view female and woman as separate things, so I will not go further into it here. However, I do think I should explore it further, so be on the look out for a post about that.

The other topics fit into the larger topic of “contradictions of the world”. Sexuality is better explained with a discussion of the preconceived notions of what female and woman mean, so I will leave that one for later as well.

Religion vs. church vs. churchgoers. You know, I think I will specify that a bit further.

Spirituality vs. religion vs. implementation on people.

Here is an example to illustrate the differences.
I myself belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe that the doctrines it teaches are perfect and absolutely true. Those feelings are the spiritual part, or what I like to call my knowledge of the gospel. Religion would then be “The Church” itself, the institution set up to teach and practice these doctrines for its people.

The implementation on people then are sort of a combination. They are those who believe in some strength or another and come to church to practice their faiths and improve upon them. This is where the problems occur for me.
If you have been following my blog, you will know that I strongly cry for the respect of human agency, no matter the source. However, not many share my belief. Anywhere people congregate, there will be those who strongly disagree with me, or at least do not see things the way I do.

Maybe they don’t have an understanding of human agency, maybe they don’t believe it exists. But for whatever reason, those who do not agree with me insist that other people are wrong. They declare those actions invalid and cry out for a change of ways. Because I am so close to the matter, I see a lot of these people in my church.

Before I go on, I need to set a few things straight. By no means am I indicating that the church is made only of these people and that no one in the church understands or stands with me. I am also not suggesting that the church is the only place that has these types of people. This is just the easiest example to share.

I do not want to have kids. This decision may change later on, but for the time being, that is how both Jacob and I feel. Because The Church is so family centered, some of its followers have looked down on us for this point of view. Many act on the assumption that everyone will have kids, even if they don’t belong to the church. I do not agree with this assumption.

I don’t feel this post is an appropriate place to discuss abortion or politics. Both are matters that are incredibly touchy, and matters I am not ready to talk about just yet.

But as for chocolate…chocolate is the one topic that helps me sleep rather than keeps me up at night.

Photo taken by Peter Pearson on Flickr.

You see, when I am tired, I do not think through things as much as I ought to. So last night, when I got up to get a glass of water, I decided that getting a few pieces of chocolate was also a good idea (for some reason that neither Jacob or I have worked out). Between picking up the chocolates and walking through the door frame, I completely forgot I was even holding the chocolates and went back to bed.

I awoke this morning to find a puddle of chocolate covering my back, Jacob’s elbow and the underside of my pillow. I am still laughing about it.

Energy in Motion

My usual Monday post is absent in lieu of my birthday. I pretty much took a break from everything to spend the day with my husband.

Life is picking up again. I am going to school full time and beginning to work four “jobs” (I put them in quotation marks because two of them are more like long term freelance opportunities).

Now, I know that sounds like way too much to take on, but when you view them in their entirety, the workload feels much more manageable. One of my jobs is tutoring no more than four hours a week. My main one mostly involves working as a supervisor for non-custodial parents visiting their children, but this is usually just all day Saturday and an hour here and there during the week.

The two new additions are the ones I am most excited about. A couple of weeks ago, I got hired on as the education writer for the South Salt Lake Valley Journal. Tomorrow I’m going in to propose my first stories and start the work for real. With this job, I have to write three or four stories per month concerning education in South Salt Lake. I get to interview teachers and students involved in awesome programs, then learn what ways are best to portray them. Also, I am assigned a mentor that will help me through this process, so if I mess up, she’ll be there to help me fix it.

And finally, the last opportunity. I get to work long distance as a line editor! Basically, the managing editor sends me manuscripts so that I can overlook them from minor errors, such as misspellings, grammar and punctuation errors. And to think this time last year I was scrounging for work!

Seriously, I am quite thrilled with the direction my life is heading. April is going to be a difficult month; my last final is on April 25th. But afterwards, I am going to move on to bigger and better things.

Stay tuned for your regular Wednesday update.